How to Forgive the One Who Deeply Hurt You

Forgiveness. It’s a word that gets used a lot, especially by those who follow Jesus, because in so many ways, forgiveness is what it’s all about! In Christianity, we celebrate the fact that, though we are sinners because of the love of God displayed in the person of Jesus, we are forgiven of our sins and adopted into God's family forever. Amen!

However, sometimes it is trickier when we talk about forgiving others. We know that we’re supposed to do it, and it can be simple enough in the normal day-to-day offenses that we experience in life. But what do you do when someone has hurt you deeply? What do you do when someone else's actions have cost you dearly? What do you do when forgiveness seems a million miles away?

In this article, we will talk about steps you can take to begin moving in the direction of forgiving those who have hurt you deeply.

Number 1 — Agree with God about Forgiveness

I think the important first step in walking towards forgiveness is simply agreeing with God about the need to forgive. This is a moment where you simply acknowledge that God has commanded believers to forgive, and as one of His children, as someone who has been forgiven, I have a responsibility to forgive.

Even if you’re not there yet, simply making the decision to agree with God (perhaps on a solely intellectual level) about the need to get there at some point can help orient your heart in the right direction.

Number 2 — Commit to a Direction

Next, I would encourage you to commit to aiming your life in the direction of forgiveness. This means deciding that even if it takes time to get there, I am going to walk away from the path of resentment and bitterness and walk toward forgiveness. This step is not about any practical things that you do; it is about emotionally choosing and committing to start down a path toward forgiveness. This is so important because it forces us to decide not to live in bitterness, which sadly is what many people end up doing. This is about drawing a line in the sand and saying even if it takes a long time to get there, I am going to get to the place of forgiveness.

In terms of practical things to do in this step, you might consider memorizing Bible passages on the topic of forgiveness, reading a book on how to forgive, regularly speaking to a friend about where you are in the journey, or perhaps talking to a pastor or mental health professional.

Number 3 — Give Yourself Grace

As you walk this journey of forgiveness, don’t forget to give yourself grace. There will be ups and downs, highs and lows, moments where it feels like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. That’s OK; remember that you are not alone. Your heavenly father who loves you is walking with you on this journey. Keep going! Don’t give up!

Number 4 — Lead Your Feelings with Your Actions

For years, my pastor Mark Petersburg would say, “You will act your way into feeling far sooner than you will feel your way into acting.” The point is simply this: if you wait to do the right thing until you feel like doing the right thing, that day may never come. Instead, begin doing what is right, and eventually, the feelings will follow. As it relates to forgiveness, feelings of love, graciousness, and warmth toward the person who hurt you may take years to come, if they ever come at all. But don’t let a lack of feeling forgiving stop you from acting in a forgiving way towards others.

Number 5 — Meditate on the Gospel

This may be the most important thing you can do as it relates to moving the needle in your heart toward forgiveness: meditate regularly on the gospel. Take time every day to think deeply about what God did for you in Christ. When we take time to remember that we were sinners, lost, helpless, and hopeless, rebellious towards God, it reminds us that we are just as bad, if not worse, as the person who hurt us. When we think regularly about the fact that, though we were sinners, God sent Jesus to us, Jesus lived the perfect life that we couldn’t in our place, and that he died a criminal's death in our place, it sets the example for how we are to relate to those who have hurt us. Our sin against God is far worse than any sin someone could commit against us, and God had every right to be done with us, but he wasn’t. Instead, he pursued us with the love of Jesus and sought to reconcile us to him.

When I do the dishes, I like to soak pans in hot soapy water before I wash them. That way it’s easier to clean off any caked on gunk and grime. What in the world does it have to do with forgiveness? When we “soak our hearts” in the gospel message, it softens our hearts, and it makes it easier for us over time to clean away the bitterness and unforgiveness.

If you’ve been hurt by someone recently, especially if the hurt was serious, it may seem like forgiveness is impossible. It is not. It may take a long time and be a long journey, but your heavenly father who loves you will walk with you toward forgiveness. In the end, if you choose to walk along the painful journey of forgiveness, you will be glad you did! Because ultimately, the person that forgiveness heals the most is you.

I'm Cheering for You!

Pastor Chris